There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
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