I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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