I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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