i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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