Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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