I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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