You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Randomize
