y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
