can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
