I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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