i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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