I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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