Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
