It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm lost and stupid without you.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
