My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
