rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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