If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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