My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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