she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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