i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
