Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
