There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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