??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
