Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm determined to sit on that face.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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