Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
