Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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