I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
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So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
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"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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