Pants 0. Shit 1.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
