I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You don't make any sense
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