i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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