the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
