I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
