I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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