Already got asked if we're dating
You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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