fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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