i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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