I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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