Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
