I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
