I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
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