The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
