She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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