Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
you will always have a special place in my vag
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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