dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Why did my mother make you get naked?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
And then he peed in my hair
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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