Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
