Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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