I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
