Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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