I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
When are your genitals available?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
