I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Ketchup is God's man juice
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
