positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
