Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I wish you could order shots online.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
