Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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