Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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