Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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