the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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