Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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