I used to have a blog that was basically all about ****** and all of his sexual misadventures
I mean it made tucker max look like a fucking alterboy
But unfortunatley his mom did a google search and found it
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
