two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
